The situation
Years ago my brother took money our parents had meant for both of us, and lied about it. He has finally apologised and wants us to be close again. Part of me wants to forgive him; part of me feels that would mean saying what he did was fine. I still replay it at night.
Your situation, reframed
AI interpretationBeing lied to by family leaves a particular kind of wound, and it makes sense that an apology does not close it straight away. The Stoic question is not whether what he did was acceptable; it was not. It is whether you want to keep carrying the anger, and what you owe yourself and him from here. Forgiveness in this sense means giving up the wish to make him pay; it does not require you to pretend, to forget or to trust blindly.
The dichotomy of control
AI interpretationYours to act on
- Whether you keep rehearsing the wrong or set it down
- Telling him plainly what it cost you
- How much trust you extend, and how quickly
- What kind of brother or sister you choose to be from now on
Not yours
- What he did, which is now in the past
- Whether his apology is wholly sincere
- Whether he changes in the long run
The Stoics said
Verbatim from the source · full citationsMarcus Aurelius, Meditations 7.26
When a man has done thee any wrong, immediately consider with what opinion about good or evil he has done wrong. For when thou hast seen this, thou wilt pity him, and wilt neither wonder nor be angry. For either thou thyself thinkest the same thing to be good that he does or another thing of the same kind. It is thy duty then to pardon him. But if thou dost not think such things to be good or evil, thou wilt more readily be well disposed to him who is in error.
Seneca, On Anger 3.27
How far better is it to heal an injury than to avenge it? Revenge takes up much time, and throws itself in the way of many injuries while it is smarting under one. We all retain our anger longer than we feel our hurt: how far better it were to take the opposite course and not meet one mischief by another. Would anyone think himself to be in his perfect mind if he were to return kicks to a mule or bites to a dog? “These creatures,” you say, “know not that they are doing wrong.” Then, in the first place, what an unjust judge you must be if a man has less chance of gaining your forgiveness than a beast! …
Epictetus, Enchiridion 43
Everything has two handles, the one by which it may be borne, the other by which it may not. If your brother acts unjustly, do not lay hold of the act by that handle wherein he acts unjustly, for this is the handle which cannot be borne: but lay hold of the other, that he is your brother, that he was nurtured with you, and you will lay hold of the thing by that handle by which it can be borne.
What this means here
AI interpretationMarcus Aurelius, Meditations 7.26
Marcus reminds himself to ask what someone believed when they wronged him: what did they think was good? Seen this way, your brother’s lie came from a mistaken judgement, perhaps that the money mattered more than honesty, or more than you. Marcus finds that this understanding turns anger into something closer to pity, and adds that if he would have been tempted by the same kind of thing himself, pardon is his duty. Understanding why is not the same as excusing, but it lets you see him as a person who made a bad choice rather than as a villain.
Translation note: Thee and thou are old forms of you; Marcus is addressing himself.
Seneca, On Anger 3.27
Seneca’s point is that anger outlasts the injury. The lie happened years ago, but the replaying is happening now, and it is costing you sleep. He asks whether you mean to give up your anger at some point or never, and if at some point, why not choose the moment yourself rather than wait for it to wear out. He is also unsentimental about people: he expects them to go wrong again, and warns against simply believing a promise that it will never happen again, yet he treats that as a reason for patience rather than revenge. In the same way, forgiving your brother does not oblige you to trust him blindly. You can let go of the grudge and still be careful.
Translation note: Mischief means harm, and sin is used broadly for any wrongdoing. The comparison with kicking back at a mule shows how little sense it makes to answer harm with more harm.
Epictetus, Enchiridion 43
Epictetus’s own example here is a brother who acts unjustly, which could hardly be closer to your situation. He does not pretend the injustice away. His point is that a situation can be taken hold of in more than one way. Gripped only by the lie and the money, this one cannot be carried, which is partly why it keeps you awake. The other handle is that he is your brother and that you were brought up together. Taking hold of it by that handle does not make what he did acceptable; it makes the situation something you can bear, and perhaps build on now that he has apologised.
Translation note: A handle here is the side by which you take hold of something in order to carry it. Nurtured with you means brought up alongside you.
Together, the passages separate three things that often get tangled: understanding why someone wronged you, giving up revenge, and trusting them again. The first two are in your power now. Marcus shows how understanding can soften anger without excusing the act; Seneca shows that holding on mostly punishes you; Epictetus shows that the same wrong can be taken up by a handle you are able to carry, which here is that he is still your brother. Trust is different: it can be rebuilt slowly, in proportion to how he behaves from here. And where someone has been violent or abusive, none of this requires contact at all; forgiving can happen at a distance, and your safety comes first.
One action for today
AI interpretationEvening review
Write your brother a short, honest reply rather than a quick yes or no: say what the lie cost you, that you accept his apology, and what you need from here, for example openness about anything to do with your parents’ affairs. Read it back before sending and take out anything written to wound. Then, when the old scene starts replaying at night, swap it for a brief evening review of today: what you did well, where you fell short, which handle you took the situation by, and how you want to handle the relationship tomorrow. Each time, ask yourself whether you will give this anger up at some point or never, and if at some point, choose tonight.
A line to carry
“How far better is it to heal an injury than to avenge it?”
— Seneca, On Anger 3.27