The situation
I work on a busy reception desk, and every day people snap at me, talk down to me or never say thank you, however much I help. I go home angry and replay it all evening, and I’ve started being short with my own family.
Your situation, reframed
AI interpretationBeing snapped at all day is draining, and it is no surprise that some of it follows you home. In Stoic terms, the rudeness belongs to the people who show it; the part that is yours is the replay, and the hope that this time people will be different. Expecting rudeness as a normal part of the job lets you meet it with patience rather than shock, and stops it reaching your family.
The dichotomy of control
AI interpretationYours to act on
- Expecting a share of rude people before each shift starts
- Answering with calm courtesy rather than matching their tone
- Reporting abuse or threats to your manager
- What you carry home at the end of the day
Not yours
- Other people’s manners, moods and stress
- Whether anyone thanks you
- How many difficult people come to the desk today
The Stoics said
Verbatim from the source · full citationsMarcus Aurelius, Meditations 9.42
When thou art offended with any man’s shameless conduct, immediately ask thyself, Is it possible, then, that shameless men should not be in the world? It is not possible. Do not, then, require what is impossible. For this man also is one of those shameless men who must of necessity be in the world. Let the same considerations be present to thy mind in the case of the knave, and the faithless man, and of every man who does wrong in any way. For at the same time that thou dost remind thyself that it is impossible that such kind of men should not exist, thou wilt become more kindly disposed towards every one individually. …
Epictetus, Enchiridion 10
On the occasion of every accident (event) that befalls you, remember to turn to yourself and inquire what power you have for turning it to use. If you see a fair man or a fair woman, you will find that the power to resist is temperance (continence). If labour (pain) be presented to you, you will find that it is endurance. If it be abusive words, you will find it to be patience. And if you have been thus formed to the (proper) habit, the appearances will not carry you along with them.
Seneca, On Benefits 7.32
Suppose a man is ungrateful: he does not injure me, but himself; I had the enjoyment of my benefit when I bestowed it upon him. Because he is ungrateful, I shall not be slower to give but more careful; what I have lost with him, I shall receive back from others. But I will bestow a second benefit upon this man himself, and will overcome him even as a good husbandman overcomes the sterility of the soil by care and culture; if I do not do so my benefit is lost to me, and he is lost to mankind. It is no proof of a great mind to give and to throw away one’s bounty; the true test of a great mind is to throw away one’s bounty and still to give.
What this means here
AI interpretationMarcus Aurelius, Meditations 9.42
Marcus puts a blunt question to himself whenever someone behaves badly: could the world exist without such people? It could not, so expecting otherwise is asking for the impossible. He finds that remembering this makes him kinder to each person individually, and that nature has given us an answer to each kind of bad behaviour, such as mildness against the stupid. He also turns to ingratitude: if you help someone and wait for thanks, you have made your peace depend on them, when the help was worth giving in itself.
Translation note: Knave means a dishonest person. Shameless conduct is behaviour without any sense of decency, which covers a good deal of everyday rudeness.
Epictetus, Enchiridion 10
Epictetus turns every event into a question: what power do I have for dealing with this? For temptation there is self-control, for hardship endurance, and for abusive words, patience. Thinking of a rude visitor as an occasion to use a strength you already have changes the encounter. You are no longer simply the target of their mood; you are practising something, and with practice it gets easier.
Translation note: Patience here is not passivity. It means bearing provocation without being carried away by it, which still leaves you free to set limits.
Seneca, On Benefits 7.32
In the closing passage of his long work on giving and receiving, Seneca deals with ingratitude. The person who takes your help without a word of thanks has lost something, not you; the good of helping was in the helping. Nor does he become naive: one ungrateful person does not make him slower to give, only more careful. That is a useful balance on a front desk. Keep giving good service because that is who you are, and stop waiting for the thank-you that was never going to come.
Translation note: A benefit is any kindness or favour. Husbandman means farmer.
The three passages give you a sequence for a hard shift. Expect rude people, because a world without them is not on offer. When one arrives, treat it as a call on your patience rather than an attack on your worth. When nobody says thank you, remember that the good you did is already complete. None of this means accepting abuse: shouting, threats or harassment are matters for your manager, and you are entitled to be protected at work. But with ordinary rudeness, the less you take it personally, the less of it you carry home.
One action for today
AI interpretationMorning preparation
Before each shift this week, take one minute to prepare: expect that some people will be rude or ungrateful today, decide in advance to answer them with calm courtesy, and choose one polite phrase you will use to close a difficult exchange. On the way home, mark the end of the day deliberately, with a short walk or a few quiet minutes before you go in, and let each grievance go before you walk through the door. If anyone is abusive or threatening, report it to your manager the same day.
A line to carry
“… Is it possible, then, that shameless men should not be in the world? It is not possible.”
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 9.42