The situation
Three years ago I turned down a job in another city because I was scared of the change, and I stayed where I was. The job I kept has gone nowhere, and the person who took the other role is thriving. I replay the decision constantly, imagine the life I would have had, and call myself a coward for not taking the chance.
Your situation, reframed
AI interpretationIt hurts to watch a door you closed open for someone else, and it is natural to keep going back to that moment. In Stoic terms, the decision is now part of what has happened and is out of your hands; what is still yours is how you judge it, what you learn from it and what you do with today. Calling yourself a coward over and over is not learning. It is punishment, and it changes nothing.
The dichotomy of control
AI interpretationYours to act on
- An honest look at why you chose as you did
- Forgiving yourself and drawing one clear lesson
- What you do with the options you have now
- How often you let the old choice replay
Not yours
- The decision you made three years ago
- How the other job would really have turned out
- Someone else’s success in that role
The Stoics said
Verbatim from the source · full citationsEpictetus, Enchiridion 5
Men are disturbed not by the things which happen, but by the opinions about the things: for example, death is nothing terrible, for if it were, it would have seemed so to Socrates; for the opinion about death, that it is terrible, is the terrible thing. When then we are impeded or disturbed or grieved, let us never blame others, but ourselves, that is, our opinions. It is the act of an ill-instructed man to blame others for his own bad condition; it is the act of one who has begun to be instructed, to lay the blame on himself; and of one whose instruction is completed, neither to blame another, nor himself.
Seneca, On Anger 3.36
… I make use of this privilege, and daily plead my cause before myself: when the lamp is taken out of my sight, and my wife, who knows my habit, has ceased to talk, I pass the whole day in review before myself, and repeat all that I have said and done: I conceal nothing from myself, and omit nothing: for why should I be afraid of any of my shortcomings, when it is in my power to say, “I pardon you this time: see that you never do that anymore? In that dispute you spoke too contentiously: do not for the future argue with ignorant people: those who have never been taught are unwilling to learn. …
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 12.1
… And this means, if thou wilt take no notice of all the past, and trust the future to providence, and direct the present only conformably to piety and justice. Conformably to piety, that thou mayest be content with the lot which is assigned to thee, for nature designed it for thee and thee for it. Conformably to justice, that thou mayest always speak the truth freely and without disguise, and do the things which are agreeable to law and according to the worth of each. And let neither another man’s wickedness hinder thee, nor opinion nor voice, nor yet the sensations of the poor flesh which has grown about thee; for the passive part will look to this. …
What this means here
AI interpretationEpictetus, Enchiridion 5
Epictetus begins from the claim that we are disturbed not by events but by our opinions about them. He then sketches three stages: the untrained person blames others, the person who has begun to learn blames himself, and the person who has learned fully blames no one. Blaming yourself is a step on from blaming others, but it is not the end point. The real work is to look at the opinion doing the damage, such as the belief that one cautious choice has ruined your life, and test whether it is true.
Translation note: Ill-instructed means untrained in philosophy. His own bad condition means his own unhappy state.
Seneca, On Anger 3.36
Seneca describes his nightly habit of going through the whole day in private, hiding nothing from himself and leaving nothing out. He can face his shortcomings without fear because the review ends in a pardon and a resolution: this time is forgiven, but do not repeat it. Applied to an old decision, that means looking at it honestly once, naming what fear made you do, and then genuinely letting yourself off, with one lesson you carry forward.
Translation note: Plead my cause before myself means putting his own conduct on trial, with himself as judge. Censor here means a moral inspector, not someone who bans things.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 12.1
Marcus reminds himself that the things he keeps trying to reach by roundabout routes are available now, if he stops refusing them to himself. That means letting the past go, trusting the future to the order of things, and putting his attention on acting well in the present. The life you imagine you would have had is a roundabout route of this kind. Whatever you actually wanted from it, perhaps courage, growth or work that matters, can be pursued from where you stand.
Translation note: Providence means the rational order the Stoics saw in the world. Piety here means being content with the lot you have been given, and justice means dealing truthfully and fairly with others.
Between them, the passages offer a way through regret rather than round it. Look at the decision honestly, as Seneca does with his day; move past self-blame, which Epictetus treats as a stage on the way rather than the goal; and then turn to the present, where Marcus finds that what is worth having is still within reach. You cannot go back and take the other job. You can ask what the regret is telling you about what you want now, and act on that.
One action for today
AI interpretationEvening review
Tonight, write the decision down once, in full: what you knew then, what you were afraid of and what you would do differently now. End with one sentence forgiving yourself and one lesson you will keep. This week, take one concrete step towards what the other job stood for, such as applying for a role that stretches you or asking your manager about new responsibilities, and when the replay starts again, remind yourself that it has already been reviewed.
A line to carry
“All those things at which thou wishest to arrive by a circuitous road, thou canst have now, if thou dost not refuse them to thyself.”
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 12.1